


Kazoodling

by blondcockerel



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Crack, Ficlet, Kazoo, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2015-11-25
Packaged: 2018-05-03 07:26:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5282024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blondcockerel/pseuds/blondcockerel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the <a href="http://mgs-kink.dreamwidth.org/757.html">MGS kink meme</a> prompt:</p><p>  <i>"BB is able to play one instrument - the kazoo<br/>he is able to play one song and it's called "shut the fuck up kaz" and after suffering one too many "kazoohira" jokes, Kaz decides to shove that thing right where the sun don't shine"</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Kazoodling

"Shut Up, Kaz" is a very simple song - it's like goddamned Chopsticks, where it's impossible to remember the first time Big Boss learned it, it feels like he's always known. It doesn't, by any means, require a sheet of music or even an ear for music. The only notes are 'blow as hard as you fucking can on the kazoo for every syllable that comes out of Kaz's noisy mouth'.

A month ago, he started carrying around a kazoo in one of the pockets on his sneaking suit. He must put it in a different pocket every day, because Kaz has never been able to find it. Even though he's rifled through Snake's clothing. Multiple times, and always for non-sexual and entirely kazoo-finding purposes.

Big Boss just couldn't help himself. It was like dangling string in front of a cat just to yank it away - even after they were wise to your schemes, they couldn't help but respond. Inevitably, five minutes after he started blowing on the kazoo, Kaz would snap and try to bat the instrument out of his mouth; it didn't matter if he was speaking to the men, or chatting up one of the ladies, or even sitting across from Big Boss at his desk. 

And every time, the response was the same. "What, I thought you liked music... Kazoo."

Kazu. He always had the worst ideas when he was drunk, Kaz. Like after slurring through an explanation of why his accent had slipped back into his voice just enough for him to call Snake 'Bossu', he mentioned that occasionally, back in Japan, folks had called him 'Kazu' as a nickname as one of his examples.

There had been an undeniable tension building between Big Boss and his XO, and it all came to a head during a meeting between the two of them.

"So, we've got a crew of 300 people, but you just keep fultoning more - I've got some more plans for expanding Mother Base... Boss, please don't."

Snake smiled, and waggled the kazoo before putting it between his lips like a cigar.

"OKAY, IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE GOING TO DISAGREE WITH ME, BOSS!" Kaz swiped the folders with his plans off the desk, and grabbed Big Boss by the collar, yanking the kazoo out of his mouth. "THEN I'M NOT GONNA DO SOMETHING YOU CAN ARGUE ABOUT.

"Drop your pants."

"Finally..." Big Boss replied, shaking his head and unbuttoning his pants. "Jesus, Kaz, you'd think that you'd recognize your own techniques in action."

"...What?" Kaz stopped in his tracks.

"Yeah, you've annoyed half the women on base into sleeping with you. Just learning from the master."

"Boss..." Kaz pinched his brow. Did he really think that that was how Kaz flirted? Was that how he saw Kaz? Was that how the women he slept with saw him?! "I... I appreciate it, I guess.

"Now bend over."

He didn't realize that Snake was interested in him. He was also surprised to see him comply with the command, when he so rarely did with any other orders. A part of him wanted to do this properly - but no. Revenge first, talking about this later.

"You got any lube?" He leaned forward, murmuring into Big Boss's ear.

He shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe some lotion or something in the drawer."

Kaz made a disgusted noise. "Honestly. Who doesn't keep proper lube with them?" He dug around until he found the bottle of lotion and squirted it onto the kazoo.

"I dunno! Who keeps lube in their office, Kaz?" Big Boss replied, temper flaring up.

Kaz leaned forward again, after lining up the kazoo carefully with his boss's asshole. "People who don't fuck kazoos." He replied, pushing it in before Snake could protest.

He ran out of the office, a wicked and cowardly smile on his face, followed by an outraged roar of "KAZU!"


End file.
